(theme song playing)
(audience cheering)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
Thank you for joining us. I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin here in New York with Pride,
the day that makes every color that's not on the rainbow flag
feel like a worthless sack of shit.
Now, this year, there was even more to celebrate than usual.
Back to the big news of the day--
the US Supreme Court ruling five to four
to legalize same-sex marriage in the entire country.
That obviously includes the 14 states
where it was against the law.
Yes! Finally. (audience cheering)
Finally, all across America,
anyone can get married--
anyone except, of course, for guys who own snakes.
They still can't, but that's on them.
That's an actual lifestyle choice, Gary.
And look, we don't have time to get into all the responses.
Basically, if you thought someone would be happy
or angry at the decision, they probably were.
But the award for greatest moment
in global Pride celebrations
actually had nothing to do with gay marriage
and everything to do with the idiocy of CNN.
Because if you were watching them yesterday,
you may have seen this.
And this just in to CNN:
An unnerving sight today at a London gay pride celebration--
an ISIS flag among a sea of rainbow colors.
Lucy Pawle: I seem to be the only person who has spotted this.
Um, and nobody seems to be raising any questions
or pointing it out.
Yeah, I'll-- I'll tell you why
they weren't raising any questions.
That's not the ISIS flag.
That's a flag with dildos and butt plugs all over it.
And yet-- and yet,
for more than seven spectacular minutes,
CNN had it onscreen,
even calling one of their terrorism experts
to try to figure out why ISIS
might be marching with the gay community through London.
Which did seem surprising.
Now it turns out-- it's a full day later now--
and they've still not addressed that mistake on air,
probably because it would be just too embarrassing
to have a professional journalist say, "I'm sorry.
"Despite working at CNN,
"it seems I don't know what a dildo looks like.
I don't know."
So let's-- let's move on.
Let's move on to the Supreme Court,
America's nine most fascinating legal scholars,
or nine most boring wizards.
Marriage equality wasn't actually their only major ruling this week.
Today, in a landmark six-to-three decision,
the Supreme Court voted to uphold nationwide subsidies
to help poor and middle-class Americans purchase health insurance
under the Affordable Care Act.
It's amazing. Somehow-- (audience cheering)
Somehow, against all the odds,
Obamacare is still alive.
It's the-- it's the legislative equivalent of Keith Richards.
It really could have died in so many ways by now,
but I'm definitely glad it's still around.
There was genuine concern
that this case could have dismantled Obamacare completely,
and if it had, it would have been
for the dumbest possible reason.
Wolf Blitzer: The challenge was based on these four words--
quote, "established by the state."
Opponents said the phrase made federal subsidies
illegal in certain states.
Yes, "established by the State"
could have been the four most damaging words
since "Godzilla just joined ISIS"
or "piranhas now have legs"
or "Mom's on Facebook now."
Luckily-- luckily, the Supreme Court
realized that in context
"the State" meant "the government,"
and not "one of the 50 states."
But Chief Justice Roberts did point out
that the law could have been clearer.
Reporter: Roberts acknowledged the law
"contains more than a few examples of inartful drafting."
But he said the opponents' approach
would lead to a "calamitous result."
And that's true-- "inartful drafting"
put 6.4 million people's health coverage at risk, which is insane,
because language is inartfully drafted all the time.
For example, let me show you an actual banner
supporting England's Women's World Cup team this year--
"Come On Our Girls!"
That sentence really could have used a comma.
Just throw a comma in there.
But-- but like the Supreme Court,
you fundamentally understand the intention behind it.
Nobody is arguing that we should literally do what it says.
Now, this landmark decision inevitably drew
a dissent from Antonin Scalia,
a pizzeria chef statue that came to life
but never acquired human emotions or empathy.
And Scalia was emphatic in his response to Roberts.
Reporter: His opinion sparked a blistering dissent
by Justice Antonin Scalia,
who took the unusual step of summarizing it from the bench,
calling the court's reasoning "absurd,"
"interpretive jiggery-pokery,"
and "pure applesauce."
I'm sorry.
"Jiggery-pokery"?
"Pure applesauce"?
Are you a justice or a Victorian dowager
writing an angry letter to "Prim & Proper Ladies' Monthly" magazine?
Listen, Scalia,
let me answer you in terms that I think you'll understand.
Because, yes, the court's ruling was a bit frippity-frappity.
But I say this-- if it takes a touch
of goofery and baba ghanoush
to help people-- to help keep the people of this great nation healthy,
well, then, by hiblet or by giblet,
bring on the hoople and zizzle-zazzle,
because that's the kind of country I want to live in.
I said good day, sir!
Blueberries! Blueberries and custard, sir!
Blueberries and custard.
And lastly--
lastly this week, Ukraine,
currently Russia's fastest-growing import.
You-- you may remember ex Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych
fled the country last year after a popular uprising.
He was accused of embezzlement and corruption,
perhaps best symbolized by his lavish wooden house,
which, I think we can all agree,
is what termites think about when they masturbate.
It... This thing contained excesses both small and large,
from a golden loaf of bread
to this private zoo featuring ostriches.
Well, this week, Yanukovych reemerged
for an interview to explain
the existence of his private ostrich zoo.
Translator: That I supported the ostriches?
What's wrong with that?
You supported the ostriches.
Yes, they just lived there.
What-- what do you mean,
"they just lived there"?
Ostriches are not native to Ukraine.
They can't have just been there.
They're ostriches, not Kate Bosworth.
Where-- where did she come from?
Was she in something at some point?
Was she in anything at any point?
I-- I think she might have always been here.
And to-- to that reporter's credit,
he did not let that answer slide.
(both speaking Russian)
Excuse me, but it's a little hard to believe
that the president of the country lives in a place
where there just happened to be ostriches wandering around.
No, they weren't just wandering around.
It was a totally separate territory.
No, it was one territory. I went there myself.
Okay, it was one territory.
But I have 1.7 hectares attached to my home.
I did not have time to be there.
I was working.
Even though I do love animals.
Okay, no. No!
Because even if you love animals,
no one loves ostriches.
No one even likes them. Look at this thing.
It looks like a shaved ballerina wearing a merkin.
It looks like a cat toy fucked a giraffe.
And look, no offense, ostriches,
but this is not the face of an animal.
It's a very old cactus that happens to have a vagina.
That's a fact. That's an animal fact.
Now, interestingly,
since Yanukovych abandoned the property, it's opened to visitors,
which has brought some problems of its own
for a male ostrich named Igoliak,
as this Ukrainian TV report shows.
Reporter: The zoo technician says the visitors
annoy the ostrich Igoliak very much,
and even his fertility has fallen because of them.
He could possibly manage to breed,
but it seems he is too stressed and can't do it.
Yes, apparently,
because Yanukovych did not socialize his bird monsters properly,
they're now too nervous to fuck in public,
which, frankly, is yet another tragedy
for the people of Ukraine.
Because we researched it, and ostrich sex
is absolutely hilarious.
Look at this-- first, the male ostrich
sits on the female like she's a futon,
then flaps around arrhythmically,
waving from side to side,
while the poor female, who, frankly,
could not be less into this,
just sits there and waits until he's done,
at which point the male ostrich
triumphantly flounces off
to go and tell his friends all about it.
And what better metaphor... (audience cheering)
could there possibly be
for Yanukovych and Ukraine?
He just plopped down, had his way with the country,
and then flounced off, leaving it wondering
what the fuck just happened.
And now this.
Announcer: And now,
a few more seconds of hot ostrich sex.
* Love on an ostrich
* I said loving
Moving on, moving on. (audience cheering)
This-- this has clearly been a big week
for the LGBT community.
But it's also been a big year for the "T" part
of that equation, from Caitlyn Jenner's "Vanity Fair" cover
to TV shows like "Transparent,"
to another small milestone just this Friday.
Reporter: Actress Laverne Cox marked another milestone
with a drop of a curtain at Madame Tussauds San Francisco.
Now that is a big step forward
for transgender Americans, and it's frankly about time.
Because bear in mind, it came after
the same milestone for spider Americans and Wookies.
But for all the strides transgender people have made lately,
let's not get too complacent about how far we've come,
because they still face a host of obstacles.
Even when the news media are trying to be supportive,
they can make dumb mistakes.
Your private parts are different now, aren't they?
Shh. I don't want to talk about it
because it's still-- it's really personal.
Don't you feel funny with the wrong genitalia?
Not as a joke-- you stand up in the women's bathroom.
You've got breast implants?
I, you know, I-- They're tasteful,
whatever's going on there. Thank you.
So if I saw you undressed,
you would look like a woman to me, totally. Yes?
What are you doing?
It is no more okay to ask transgender people
about their sex organs
than it would be to ask Jimmy Carter
whether or not he's circumcised,
which, by the way, he is.
Smooth like a boiled carrot.
And-- and sometimes-- don't think about that--
and sometimes the media's confusion
is even more basic than that,
as in the case of this Arizona weatherman
just two weeks ago.
Reporter: And a transgender woman
says she was kicked out of a Tempe bar.
Let's bring it back to that earlier headline.
Now what is a transgender woman?
Man: Yes? What does that even mean now?
Okay.
Do we break? (overlapping chatter)
Man: She used to be a guy.
Woman: But now is a woman.
Man: This is-- this is-- Okay.
Woman: So weird.
Aren't you just saying a woman then?
I don't-- I can't even keep up anymore!
Holy shit.
I really hope that's also how he reports the weather.
"Wait-- wait! It used to be rainy
"and now it's sunny?
"So-- so now it's just sunny? I can't even keep up anymore!
I can't-- This doesn't make my head work."
Look. Look, though,
let's-- let's give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe for him and for many people, this is new information.
Maybe he's thinking about transgender issues for the first time
and he needs a minute to try and understand it.
So let's take that minute
to fill in that bamboozled weatherman
and everyone else on some basic details.
Transgender people have a gender identity
that differs from the one they were assigned at birth,
and that gender identity is not the same
as sexual orientation.
Gender identity is who you are.
Sexual orientation is who you love.
Some transgender people do undergo hormone therapy
or sex reassignment surgery as part of their transition,
some do not. And interestingly,
their decision on this matter is, medically speaking,
none of your fucking business.
(audience cheering) And if you're still wondering,
"Well, hold on, hold on.
"What-- what do I call a transgender person?
It's so confusing."
Well, actually it's pretty simple.
Call them whatever they want to be called.
You can do it. We do it all the time.
Think of it this way. David Evans woke up one day
and said, "Everyone call me The Edge."
And we all went, "Fine, The Edge.
Are we talking the noun or the verb?"
And-- and that's-- it's not just that.
It's not just that. Over the past 20 years,
we've agreed to call this man Puff Daddy,
P. Diddy, just Diddy,
and now Puff Daddy again,
and most people don't even like him.
And-- and here's the thing. (audience cheering)
Here's the important thing.
It's genuinely crucial that we get this right.
Because there are more transgender people in the US
than you might realize. One study estimates
that nearly 700,000 American adults are transgender.
That's more than the population of Boston,
and you probably know someone from Boston.
I'll give you a clue-- it was the guy who wore a Bruins jersey
to your sister's wedding.
And while-- while a handful of transgender people
have been winning awards or appearing on magazine covers,
the community at large
has been facing some staggering challenges.
Reporter: A 2011 survey by the National Center for Transgender Equality
found 41% of transgender people
had attempted suicide.
They're nearly four times more likely
to make less than $10,000 a year
compared to the general population.
Reporter 2: 78% of those surveyed reported harassment
during K-through-12 schooling,
35% reported physical assault,
and 12% were sexually assaulted.
That is terrible.
Those statistics are so depressing,
it's enough to make you angry a the very concept of numbers.
"Fuck you, symbols meant to represent a specific value!
You're the absolute worst! The worst!"
Look, look, we've clearly got work to do.
Because when you're transgender,
pretty much any interaction with bureaucracy
can be humiliatingly difficult.
Just take what happened to two transgender women
when they went to the DMV in West Virginia.
Reporter: Both women were asked to remove all their jewelry,
makeup and wigs before the DMV would photograph them.
They're saying that I need to fulfill certain--
a certain look that they are designating means "male."
And that I'm, you know, hiding who I am,
which I'm absolutely not.
Reporter: Both women say they were also referred to as "it."
Words can't explain
the humiliation I felt that day.
That was the worst thing in 52 years of my life
I have ever felt.
Listen, I'm not saying anyone has a good DMV experience,
but that is the worst I have ever heard.
And for the record,
you get to pick virtually everything else
on your driver's license.
They ask you your weight.
They don't weigh you like a prize hog.
Plus, the whole idea of a driver's license photo
is to present how you look from day to day.
That's why DMV employees tell you not to smile,
because they can't imagine anyone whose normal existence
involves happiness in any form.
And even in-- even in organizations
that have seemed willing to change,
that change has come frustratingly slowly.
Take the military. Both the secretary of defense
and President Obama have indicated
they are open to transgender troops being able to serve.
And yet, they're still banned from enlisting
because of weirdly archaic restrictions
on things like "defects of the genitalia such as change of sex"
and "psychosexual conditions including but not limited
to transsexualism and transvestism."
Our current recruitment poster is essentially,
"I want you, maybe,
"after we talk about your genitals for a bit.
"I know that's weird, but for the moment,
this is apparently how we do things."
And yet, even despite those restrictions on enlistment,
by one estimate,
there are currently 15,000 transgender service members.
And while you can be discharged for being transgender,
those rules are enforced inconsistently
depending on your branch of service and commanding officer.
Meaning experiences can vary wildly.
For some, like Logan Ireland, it can be great.
Logan Ireland: What I like about this deployment
is I can be my authentic self.
I'm just another guy.
Whereas back home, I'm still seen as female,
and I go by female regs and standards.
Here in Afghanistan, a war zone,
it's like a vacation to me, because I can be myself
in such an austere environment.
It is not a great sign
for how we treat transgender people
that Afghanistan is "a place where you can be yourself."
That is the least likely tourism slogan for Afghanistan.
"Well, I'd put it right behind Water Park Capital of the World
and Birthplace of the Twerk."
But compare that
with the experience of Captain Jacob Eleazer
of the Army National Guard,
who faced discharge for being transgender
despite his own commander's support
and the fact he was being awarded a medal.
The thing that stuck with me the most
is as they were pinning that Army commendation medal on me,
my regimental commander said,
"Thank you for everything that you've done
for our regiment, Jacob."
And used-- used my real name.
Um, and I-- I can't express
just the emotion of that juxtaposition.
It's like, you're kicking me out,
but you're acknowledging me for myself
and giving me an award at the same time.
That's utterly ridiculous.
They gave him an award
and then tried to kick him out.
It's pretty much what Hollywood did to Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
and that wasn't okay either.
But-- but this is the big problem.
This is the big problem. Because even when people say the right things
about the transgender community,
too often, practical change fails to follow.
And perhaps the perfect embodiment of this concerns bathrooms.
We all use them.
As the good book tells us, "Everyone Poops."
Or, as it's known in England,
"Everyone Poops But the Queen."
She has people do it for her.
Across the country, there have been efforts by lawmakers
to fight nondiscrimination ordinances
with so-called bathroom bills, like this one in Arizona.
It's a new show-me-your-papers bill for Arizona.
The sex on your birth certificate
would have to match the sex of the bathroom
or locker room that you use.
The target? Transgender men and women here in Arizona.
Six months in jail, $2,500 fine,
for just going in to pee.
$2,500 fine for peeing in the wrong place.
Look, unless you happen to urinate
a 1989 Chateau Petrus,
you're not even going to break even on that deal.
In the most recent session,
at least 13 bathroom bills
have been introduced in state legislatures,
and the reasoning behind them can be pretty insulting.
Just listen to presidential candidate Mike Huckabee.
We are now in city after city
watching ordinances that say
that your seven-year-old daughter,
if she goes into the restroom,
cannot be offended, and you can't be offended,
if she is greeted there by a 42-year-old man
who feels more like a woman than he does a man.
Now, I wish someone had told me when I was in high school
that I could have felt like a woman
when it came time to take showers in PE.
I'm pretty sure I would have found my feminine side
and said, "Coach, I think I'd rather shower with the girls today."
(crowd laughing)
You're laughing because it sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it?
There's something inherently wrong
with forcing little children
to be a part of this social experiment.
No. But there is something inherently wrong
with forcing us to listen to your fucked-up daydreams
about all the sex crimes you would have committed
as a teenager had you just been able to find a legal loophole.
That's weird.
And that-- that kind of baseless fear-mongering is everywhere.
It even turned up in a campaign ad
when Gainesville, Florida, was trying to pass one of these bills.
(children laughing)
Okay, let's-- let's break that bullshit down.
Because first, assaulting children is still illegal.
Secondly, someone abusing a nondiscrimination ordinance
to assault someone in a bathroom is almost unheard of.
It's a borderline imaginary crime,
like dragon rustling or space bestiality.
Sure, it's terrible,
but it doesn't really happen.
Also, forcing transgender people into certain bathrooms
can actually be much more disruptive,
as activist Michael Hughes, a transgender man,
showed with this photo of himself
looking understandably awkward in a ladies' room.
Because there are many places that Michael would fit in.
A tattoo parlor in Reno,
playing steel guitar in a Johnny Cash tribute band,
or on the label of his own barbeque sauce.
But a women's bathroom? Eh, not so much.
Besides, it is so much easier for everyone
when people are allowed to use the bathroom
that matches their gender identity
rather than one that might match
the genitalia they were born with.
That is why the little pictures on bathroom doors
are stereotypical representations of men and women,
and not biologically accurate depictions
of penises and vaginas.
Because that would be troubling for children.
"Uh, Mommy! Mommy?
"Do I go with the one with the pouty slug
"or the angry goat skull?
I'm scared."
And yet, legislators have even tried to enforce these bills
in high schools, with damaging consequences.
Take the case of Henry Brousseau,
a transgender high school student
who spoke in opposition to a proposed bathroom bill in Kentucky.
Even though I've been living as a male for some time,
I've been... been accepted by my friends and family as male,
I was being forced to use the girls' bathroom
at my school until very recently.
Because the school administration did not support my gender identity
by letting me use the restrooms concordant with my gender identity,
the kids at my school bullied me.
The kids thought that because the administration
didn't support my gender identity, they didn't have to either.
And that is the whole point.
Official rules can end up legitimizing prejudice.
And besides, teenagers really don't need extra ideas
for how to make each other's lives miserable.
That's what they do.
"Uh, sit on your own, Becca.
"Side ponytails are so five nevers ago.
Uh! Uh!"
And look, as Henry finished his speech,
it actually seemed like he'd really connected with the legislators.
If you don't know a transgender kid already,
you do know-- you do now. You know me, Henry.
Please let me know how I can be
of any further assistance, and thank you so much for your time today.
And please vote no on Senate Bill 76.
I educated myself a lot today
and I appreciate the testimony.
Jared Carpenter: You should be proud of yourself for
being able to stand in front of this committee
and be so articulate in your comments.
Henry, I love you, man.
I appreciate you. I appreciate your courage.
I can't really imagine that anyone else
in this room has the kind of courage
that it took for you to come
and testify today.
Okay, okay. But "I love you, man" is a little much.
I love Henry, too, but he's not the best man at your wedding.
He's a teenage boy trying to take a shit in the men's room.
And-- and it's worth noting,
once they were done patting Henry on the back
and then patting themselves for patting Henry,
all three of those lawmakers
voted to advance the bill
to force him into bathrooms where he's bullied.
Now, thankfully, that particular bill never became law.
But that dynamic of praising a transgender person's courage
and then not actually supporting them
speaks to the fact that we are weirdly comfortable
celebrating transgender people
while simultaneously dehumanizing them at the DMV,
pinning awards to them as we drum them out of the military,
and constantly quizzing them about their genitals.
And look, this is a civil rights issue.
And if you are not willing to support transgender people
for their sake, at least do it for your own.
Because we've been through this before.
We know how this thing ends.
If you take the anti-civil rights side
and deny people access to something they're entitled to,
history is not going to be kind to you.
There is no biopic where Liam Neeson kicks the shit
out of a suffragist.
There's-- there's-- there's not a stamp
featuring George Wallace at the schoolhouse door.
And you are not going to get a monument
that says at the base of it, "He told people where to shit."
And now this.
Announcer: And now, this is not CNBC's first rodeo.
You've done this for a while. Not your first Disney on Ice rodeo.
It's not his first rodeo. The company that--
for whom this is not their first rodeo.
This is not your first rodeo.
Not our first rodeo.
This isn't your first rodeo.
I was reading your resume here.
This is not your first rodeo.
I would use the "not the first rodeo" thing.
This is not Peltz's first rodeo.
It wasn't his first rodeo.
Not Howard Schultz's first rodeo.
Not my first radio-- rodeo.
Woman: You ever been to a rodeo?
Man: I'm gonna say that I have,
because I use the expression
that this isn't my first rodeo. First rodeo.
(audience laughing)
And finally tonight,
we look at time.
Time-- it's the actual thing
that separates men from the boys.
And this week-- this week,
there is going to be an unusual timekeeping event.
A leap second is coming. Every few years,
an extra second is added to account for a mismatch
between clocks and the Earth's rotation.
That's right. This Tuesday night,
there is going to be a leap second.
Just before midnight, Coordinated Universal Time,
the clock will go from 11:59:59
to 11:59:60,
which sounds less like an actual time
and more like how a puffer fish describes his ideal woman.
"Oh, she's a perfect 11:59:60.
"Real narrow, round,
and then even rounder."
And look, I know an extra second
does not seem like that big a deal.
But you can get a lot done in a second.
You can spoil the twist endings of classic movies.
I'll show you. Um, dude's dead.
Uh, Soze is Spacey.
Uh, kitchen remodel still in progress, but very much on track.
The point-- the point is--
the point is, we want you to enjoy
your extra second on Tuesday.
So we have purchased SpendYourLeapSecondHere.com
and uploaded some of the greatest
one-second videos you could possibly imagine.
Let me give you a quick taste.
Here is an upside-down sloth making a weird sound.
Ah!
That's a great second.
You just spent that second very well.
I'll give you another. Here is Mariah Carey's dog
getting into a fight with Mariah Carey's cat
during the taping of Mariah Carey's "Cribs" episode.
They-- ow!
That's-- Come on.
That's arguably a more important second than the Big Bang was.
So please, on Tuesday,
go to SpendYourLeapSecondHere.com
or, indeed, to JohnOliverSecsTapes.com,
which, yes, we bought before we said it out loud,
and you can enjoy such magnificent micro moments
as Bobby Cannavale acting the shit
out of the words, "leap second."
Leap second!
Bravo. Bravo, Bobby.
And look, if you're thinking, well, hold on,
if we all go to that website at the same time on Tuesday,
won't it crash? Nah, that seems unlikely.
Nothing like that has every famously happened before.
So go to JohnOliverSecsTapes.com
and waste your extra second with us.
That's our show. We're off next week.
We'll be back after that. Thank you so much! Good night!
Leap... second?
Leap second.
Leap second! (sighs)